The Lost Child
I dreamed my girl was lost
We drove
To the desert
To find a hot spring
And when i looked
Behind me
She was gone
Left behind?
How could I forget her?
Panic
Rushing back
She is not there
She is gone
The little girl
With curly hair
And a bright pink top
Gone forever
Left behind
Motherhood
I never wanted
Why would I?
I hated childhood
Frightened
Alone
I couldn’t wait to grow up
Do what I wanted
Get away from my crazy
painful family
And I did
After I had done
All a single person could do
Travel the world
Lots of sex
Lots of drugs & rock n roll
It became empty
Time had changed
Me
He said “Let’s have children”
Learn to be selfless.
Build our own family
Have a new experience.
So we did.
And I loved it.
And I loved my children
In the way I had always
Wished that someone
Had loved me.
I loved my fat belly
I loved the life that grew inside me
I loved my birth
MY BIRTH
As a mother
When a child is born
A mother is born
And motherhood fed my soul
Unexpectedly
Generously
Abundantly
I was transformed
A new life
Brought me a whole new life
Deep friendship
Teaching art
Decorating playgrounds
Girlscouts
10,000 Cookies
And so much love
I saw a little one
Toddling with her parents
She had a tiny ponytail
Just like my girl
A pang
And yet
I don’t miss car seat screaming
I don’t miss endless bedtime
I don’t really want it back
But still
I am sad
That she is gone
The little girl.
Gorgeous now
Confident, strong and smart
She no longer clings to my pocket
Peeking from behind my leg
She says
“I love you”
As she takes an Uber
By herself
To hang with friends
“I love you, too”
I say
A gift
I never shared
With my own mother
Parenting breaks your heart
If you live it deeply.
Hearts are meant to be broken
Broken open
So more light and love
Can shine through
I want to be grateful
But today it feels like death
The girl is gone
And I am glad
And sad
And broken open
All at the same time.