Just Gone

You died on a Sunday

I got the call

I was at the park

With my kids

Little kids

One and three

They were laughing

Running

Leaving

You were dead

No feelings

No tears

Just silence

Except for the laughing

And the running

We got french fries

And hamburgers

With ketchup

And you were dead

And it didn’t feel much different

But a slight nod

Or sigh

Of relief

It was over

No more hurt

That you didn’t come

To play with your grandchildren

No more angst

Over sending

Or not sending

A Christmas card

That would go, perhaps unseen

No more driving past

The house

I grew up in

With you

Because

I was unwelcome

To come in

It was over

Finally

The pain of always losing you

Now

Finally

You were just gone

Thank God

It was over

I didn’t go

To your funeral

I bought the ticket

Someone told me

There was a service

I bought a ticket

Because I thought

I should

And then

I had a feeling

Of dread

Of needing to pretend

That you were there for me

That you’re death

Was a loss

Not a relief

And your wife

Who hated me

And all my relatives

Who didn’t call

I couldn’t pretend

Or stand

In a receiving line

Pretending that you loved me

Wanting to scream

So I didn’t go

Nor did I forgive you

All of it frozen

Frozen

Outside of my heart

To Be Almost Full

There is an

Empty chair

On the balcony

Of my hotel

That could be filled

By you

Not should

But could

Because you do not

Complete me

You fill me

As no one

EVER has.

You excite me

Challenge me

Inspire me

Comfort me

But I do not need you

I want you

Deeply

In every way

Physically, mentally, emotionally Spiritually.

I have never

Loved a man

The way

That I

Love you

But this Love

This rush

Of vibrant life force

I feel

It rushes

From my loins

Up thru my heart

Rests at my mouth

And then flows

Like a torus

Out of

My crown

And back

To my feet again.

Enriching

Nourishing

Exhilarating

Summoning

It is

NOT sourced

In you

You are not

The water that quenches

My thirst

We drink together

You are not

The hand

That heals

My heart

We touch

That Great

And Healing Hand

Thru

Not from

Each other

You are not

The Source

Of my

Inspiration

Yet

We inspire

Each other

To experience

To open

To grow

Together

We are not alone

Yet

In aloneness

We are together

There is an

Empty chair

On the balcony

Of my hotel

That could be filled

By you

That will be filled

by you

On the next

Perfect day

We

Are together.

🖤

Bringer of joy

Bringer of joy

Peeled open my heart

And showed me

The sweet, crisp juices

Of the fruit that ripened there

Unpicked

Until you reached

Inside

With strong, experienced hands

So sensual and sure

And plucked a piece of my own soul

And took a bite

Then offered it to me

Luscious, orange, red and purple

Like summer sunrise on low clouds over water

Unexpected dazzling colors

Reflected from Heaven

Onto earth

And brought a warm pink glow

Of hope and passion and pure awe that such beauty

Quietly paints itself

Across the sky

Within ourselves almost daily

Yet unseen

Unless we go to the deck

In early morning

Or sunset

To look deeply

And you showed me these colors

And we have shared the nourishing fruits

Of each other’s deepest parts

With much laughter

And many tears

And the range of densities and flavors

That are the gift of feelings

Unafraid

Unfettered

Freely flowing

The feelings, the love, the deep connected experiences

Come like a stunning sunrise

Unexpected

Gloriously unfolding

Sometimes lasting

A very long time

But the sun continues to move

The light grows brighter

The colors fade

But the vision

The feeling

The experience

Of such beauty

Changes us

If we let it

And you have showed me

Many sunrises

And shared the delicious fruit

Snacking

From each other’s

Ripened parts

And being deeply nourished

By the colors of our feelings

And the rich textures

Of all we share

The sweetness dripping

Feeding our bodies, minds and hearts.

Fire & Flow

For years I was fire

Sparks on gasoline

Watch out

Might get burned

Unpredictable

Destructive

Wanting to explode

Like flash paper

I could ignite

And go dark

Just as fast

Burned out

Burned up

Nothing left

I loved the heat

The power

To cook

Or warm

Or kill

The crackling life force

Changing whatever it touched

To light

Energy

Smoke

And ash

I lived like a Phoenix

Rising From the ashes

Soaring for a moment

Or a while

Then self immolating

Burning up

Becoming ash again

And again

But as I’ve grown

And expanded

Other elements have come

The winds that stoked the fire

Have lessened

And the Phoenix became a Crow

Flying with a murder

Of fellow ex-phoenix

On the breeze of wisdom

And maturity

I learned to walk the earth

Rest upon solid rock

And be nurtured

By the sun

And watered by the rain

But the water scared me

I feared it would put out

My secret fire

The flame I kept hidden

Just in case

I needed to pull

The old bitch

Out of my back pocket

Sometime

But the river came

In my dreams

And called me east

To learn to flow

And merge with the ocean

To trust

And surrender

To evaporate into mist

And become rain again

Not unlike the Phoenix

To be changed

Reformed

But as part

Of a larger cycle

In service

And devotion

To  that

Much Greater than itself.

The Garden

The Garden

We have this space

between us

Fertile ground

Graced by warmth, passion and creativity

Like a secret garden

It is safe

Blooming untrimmed, With wild vines and tropical flowers

The air is sweet and clean

We make love, impassioned in the sunlight

And share deep thoughts on the soft emerald grass

There are no walls or fences

We are free to come and go

But we meet here often in joy, in desire and inspiration

Our voices need not be soft here

But we listen and hear each other easily

And laugh deeply

And often

And when we part

We travel back to our individual lives

On separate paths

Not secret

But not shared

Until we meet again

In that blessed, sacred space

The garden of our love

The edge of joy

How comfortable I can sit

Unaware

On the edge of despair

Perched

Most days not noticing

How close death is

How dangerous life can be

How precious my children’s moments

How thin the veil is between life and the great abyss of whatever lies behind ordinary reality

The beauty of the sky

The color of a flower

The sweet touch of a lovers lips

All taken

For granted

How comfortable I can sit on the edge of joy

Unaware that this moment

Is irreplaceable

Most days not noticing

The generosity of friendships

The smell of chocolate

The happy wag of my dogs tail

Always happy

Always happy to see me

How comfortable I sit

On the edge of time

Unaware

I Feel death

I feel death

Even as the sun shines

through the flowering trees

I feel death

Even as the red moon rises

Over the cooling playa

I feel death

Even as my own life

rises before me

And my children grow strong

And love sits

deeply in my heart

I feel death

As my book is published

As new people

listen to my voice daily

Because each new birth

Is a death

The old must die

For the new to come

As the caterpillar must

sacrifice itself

To become a moth

And fly

Lost Child

The Lost Child

I dreamed my girl was lost

We drove

To the desert

To find a hot spring

And when i looked

Behind me

She was gone

Left behind?

How could I forget her?

Panic

Rushing back

She is not there

She is gone

The little girl

With curly hair

And a bright pink top

Gone forever

Left behind

Motherhood 

I never wanted

Why would I?

I hated childhood

Frightened

Alone

I couldn’t wait to grow up

Do what I wanted

Get away from my crazy

painful family

And I did

After I had done 

All a single person could do

Travel the world 

Lots of sex

Lots of drugs & rock n roll

It became empty

Time had changed

Me

He said “Let’s have children”

Learn to be selfless.

Build our own family

Have a new experience.

So we did.

And I loved it.

And I loved my children

In the way I had always

Wished that someone 

Had loved me.

I loved my fat belly

I loved the life that grew inside me

I loved my birth

MY BIRTH

As a mother

When a child is born

A mother is born

And motherhood fed my soul

Unexpectedly

Generously

Abundantly

I was transformed

A new life 

Brought me a whole new life

Deep friendship

Teaching art

Decorating playgrounds

Girlscouts

10,000 Cookies

And so much love

I saw a little one

Toddling with her parents

She had a tiny ponytail

Just like my girl

A pang

And yet

I don’t miss car seat screaming

I don’t miss endless bedtime

I don’t really want it back

But still

I am sad

That she is gone

The little girl.

Gorgeous now

Confident, strong and smart

She no longer clings to my pocket

Peeking from behind my leg

She says

“I love you”

As she takes an Uber

By herself

To hang with friends

“I love you, too”

I say

A gift

I never shared 

With my own mother

Parenting breaks your heart 

If you live it deeply.

Hearts are meant to be broken

Broken open

So more light and love

Can shine through

I want to be grateful

But today it feels like death

The girl is gone

And I am glad

And sad

And broken open

All at the same time.

DEath before life

To die before we die

Is to fully live

To die to the small self 

that our larger truth may grow

We are the Universe

A tiny fragment of it

Like a water drop in the ocean 

or a grain of sand on the beach

Like cells in a great body

We hold the DNA of everything within us

We are everything

And nothing

No-thing

That is the death

That precedes really living

To die to the fear of death

The death of fear 

of losing our self

To realize and release

The little ego self

To give it away

To wring it out

Like a wash cloth

To share it

So generously

With the world

That the edges blur

And we become like mist

Or fog

Or sunset

Boundless and bold

Beautiful impermanence

The radiant red on clumpy clouds

Deadly purple

Into grey 

Then gone

But the Sun continues into the West

And the moon rises

The clouds dissipate 

Or rain

There is no end

Only change

There is no death really

But we must die to death

The little death

To truly live

Love Needs Nothing

How do I show up

and say

I don’t need you

for my happiness?

I arrive freely

just to be

with you

to discover you

and myself

thru you.

How do I stop

the habitual search

to fulfillment

thru another?

Not you?

Maybe him?

Her?

Must be

someone else.

Gotta go.

This isn’t “it”

Always hopeful

always seeking

to fill the void

of being human

rather

that to share

the emptiness together

and be full.

If you do not

fill the space

the way i hoped

i will replace you

exactly the way

i fear

being replaced.

you are not

good enough

exactly the way

I fear

i am not

good enough.

so i will find

another

and another

and another

to see

if just maybe

they might

be

“the one”

How do i come

needing nothing

and share with you

this time?

How do I do that?

I want to know

Because

That is love.

Frozen Turkey

Frozen Turkey

I didn’t know you

When you died

So suddenly

Two boys

So young 

A love unfinished

Perhaps

I hugged them 

At the memorial

500 friends

Speechless

At their loss

I fed them on 

The 4th of July

Because you weren’t there

To feed them

Broke my heart

Now I sleep 

In your old room

You watch me love

The father of your kids

And I know

It makes you smile

I didn’t know you 

When you died 

So suddenly 

But I know you better now

You were strong

And deep and sexy

Opinionated

Radical

And loving 

I found a turkey

Yesterday

You never 

Got to cook

Frozen to the bottom

Of the ice chest

Like a memory box

That needed sorting 

I told you

As I chipped it out

With your wooden spoon

That they

Are healing

I didn’t know you

When you died

So suddenly 

But I speak 

your name often

And put your photos

On the shelf

I am strong

And deep and sexy

Opinionated

Radical

And loving

Too

We are very different 

Yet alike

I love those boys

You made

And feed them 

Vegetables 

And fuck

The big one

As often

As I can

That old turkey 

Went into the trash 

Like clearing some grief

To make room 

For more of the life

You want for them

I didn’t know you

When you died

So suddenly

Two boys

So young 

A love unfinished

Perhaps

But I feel 

I know you better now

And you are glad

That I am here

Tangerine

I stood naked 

In the morning 

You pulled my hips

To you 

To kiss my breasts

Like frosting

You spread me

On the bed

I want to be sweet

Vanilla for you

Or tangerine

Mocha

Name the flavor

Taste me

I want to melt into your mouth

You tell me I look beautiful this morning 

That you love 

to make love 

to me

My heart 

So happy 

My body

Wrapped around you

Arches with the rhythm 

Of you

Looking into my eyes 

I fall

In love

Again 

And again 

Silent

I smile

But for thank you

And 

Yum.

Beautiful Impermanence

I lay in my lovers arms today and wept

With the beauty of a simple moment

The curves of our bodies

Sleepily intertwined

Open hearted

Connected

Breathing as one.

I lay vulnerable

And wept

Because each moment is a birth and a death

Unrepeatable

Impermanent

Beautiful

And tragic

At the same time

I felt the gift

Of being human

Of Life experiencing

Itself

Through me

Through him

How deep within each other we find the missing parts of ourselves

And become whole

If just for a moment

I lay in my lovers arms today and wept

In gratitude

For being

Open

alive

Awake

And fully human

At last.

Who Am I Really?

Who am I?

I am not my body

Or even my personality

I put these on like clothes

They fall away

But I am not naked 

Because there is no form

Under my ego

My stories

My drama

And experiences

Are interesting

But they are not me

Who am I?

Sitting in a room

With a dog

And a candle

Kids upstairs 

Rain outside

I feel a gap

It’s all a game

impermanent

Like this idea 

of me.

Who am I?

Each day I am different 

Changing, growing

Older, wiser, more wrinkled

More vulnerable 

less sure

Of anything

Of who

I think I am

The veil is thin

I fall away

And what is left

But experience 

Right now

From this place

No self

It’s all so fun

This life thing

So engaging, 

varied, 

interesting

Exciting 

Terrifying 

Tragic

Ecstatic 

Adventurous

Who am I?

A verb

An action

Experience itself

not my body

Not my voice

Or personality 

Not my mind

Or feelings,

Or work

Or art

Though all these things

Help me receive

And express

The little slice

Of reality

That moves through me

If I let it

Who am I?

Am I life itself?

Perhaps

And if I grow

just a little bit

Or fall away some more

Perhaps I will

Be love

Perhaps

After that

I will 

Be one

With God

We’ll see

Who I really am

i hope

The Cracks

I feel the broken parts

Of my self

Like a favorite mug

Glued Back together

And the handle falls off

Again

When I hold that mug

Sometimes

I see only the broken places

And

I want a new mug

One without cracks and stains

One that feels wiser, smarted, neater

Less vulnerable 

A perfect mug

The one I think I want

The mask of my

Idealized self 

Sits high on a shelf

Alone

Needing no one

Empty

My broken mug

Is ordinary

It sits imperfectly in company of others

On this Shelf of life

Stacked crooked

Ready to serve tea

My old mug

Is my vessel

to bring

my unique gifts to the world

And it is only through the cracks

That true light shines

Intention

Each day

an opportunity

for Grace

to guide my way.

Fear or faith

Fear or faith

Which will I choose

To hide

Or to be brave

Not alone

Never alone

A thousand million whispers

From a thousand million angels

We are with you

Always

It cannot be otherwise

For we are One

You are loved

You are love

covered in skin

walking on two legs

Fear or faith

Fear or faith

You choose

Which Power you kneel to

Life or death

in each moment

we choose

Life or death

Of our hopes

Of our dreams

Of our deepest self

Do the scary thing

On your death bed

Will you wish

That you had played it safe

Fear or faith

It is better

To try and fail

Than to never

Try at all

Do the scary thing

You are never alone

Set you compass

Your intention

Is the map

Fulfillment

is the destination

I can get there

From here

I know it

But only today

Now

From here

Let’s go.

Chrysalis

In the in between 

Nothing certain

The path unclear

Old maps are useless

All that I used to grasp 

To feel secure

Confident

Empowered

Has fallen away.

I’m left alone

In a small room

Clothes on a single shelf

Sleeping on a couch

Many have slept on

Displaced

Cocoon like

I morph

hanging in a chrysalis 

Vulnerable yet safe

Surrendered to a process

I can’t really comprehend 

With no way out

But through

The caterpillar 

Cannot leave her silken tent

She cannot say,

“I quit, this is too hard”

And choose to stay a Crawling thing.

She has a destiny

And growing wings 

Is intense 

And takes time

And breaking out is painful 

And slow 

But she will emerge

Beautiful

Capable

Fully formed

And fly into the night 

Of her own destiny 

Seeking that

For which she was born

Ten days an egg

Two weeks to fatten Crawling on 16 legs

Three weeks enshrouded 

Then

Five days a moth.

Five days a moth.

No mouth

She will not eat

Her sole purpose 

Find her passion 

And bring 

New life 

Into this world

Follow your passion

And bring new life

Into this world

Five days

We each get

Five days.

To live 

Our fullest form

Moth

Frozen I sat

At the edge

Of a great decision

Unable to move

In any direction

Like a great rocket

On a launch pad

Waiting for fuel

A fledgling swallow

Hungry at the edge

 of the nest

Not yet knowing

How to fly

The unknown before me,

dark and obscured

by impenetrable fog

The light is fading 

The light is fading

I cannot see the path

You came

A lamp with hazel eyes

Like a moth

I was drawn

To your light

Frozen no more

I flew forward

Driven by desire

For the heat of the flame

And left my old life

Renee McKenna Painting - Squarespace

I am a cloud

Blowing before the moon

A reflection 

Of a reflection 

A child of the Universe

Illuminated for no reason

But joy

I am a star

Tiny and bright among millions

My light

Is my gift to Creation

Revealing my intensity and fearlessness 

With passionate intention 

Unto death 

I am a Redwood

Ancient and wise

My roots are deep and strong

I reach, like a temple, toward the sun.

A living bridge between heaven and earth

Lean against my knarley, soft bark

And smell the sweetness 

Of my breath

I am a woman

With an open heart

Mother, Lover, healer, friend 

I walk slowly through the trees

Under moon and cloud

Sun and star

Inspired by them all

And grateful 

To be fully alive

At last.

One Life

We have but one body

One voice

One life

One time upon

This earth

No matter

If you think

That we

Come back again

Or float among pearly clouds

Or dissolve into dust and atoms

There is no question 

But the answer

Only now 

Only here 

Find your voice 

There is one

Under the many

Your gift to the world

And to yourself

Push, pull, allow, reveal, learn, try, experiment, dig deep

But

Do not copy anyone, anymore

For it is your voice 

That wants to be heard 

Above the notifications and alarms

Find your voice

Sing, yell, whisper, paint, dance, write

But find your voice

And

Offer it to me.