Who Am I Really?

Who am I?

I am not my body

Or even my personality

I put these on like clothes

They fall away

But I am not naked 

Because there is no form

Under my ego

My stories

My drama

And experiences

Are interesting

But they are not me

Who am I?

Sitting in a room

With a dog

And a candle

Kids upstairs 

Rain outside

I feel a gap

It’s all a game

impermanent

Like this idea 

of me.

Who am I?

Each day I am different 

Changing, growing

Older, wiser, more wrinkled

More vulnerable 

less sure

Of anything

Of who

I think I am

The veil is thin

I fall away

And what is left

But experience 

Right now

From this place

No self

It’s all so fun

This life thing

So engaging, 

varied, 

interesting

Exciting 

Terrifying 

Tragic

Ecstatic 

Adventurous

Who am I?

A verb

An action

Experience itself

not my body

Not my voice

Or personality 

Not my mind

Or feelings,

Or work

Or art

Though all these things

Help me receive

And express

The little slice

Of reality

That moves through me

If I let it

Who am I?

Am I life itself?

Perhaps

And if I grow

just a little bit

Or fall away some more

Perhaps I will

Be love

Perhaps

After that

I will 

Be one

With God

We’ll see

Who I really am

i hope

The Cracks

I feel the broken parts

Of my self

Like a favorite mug

Glued Back together

And the handle falls off

Again

When I hold that mug

Sometimes

I see only the broken places

And

I want a new mug

One without cracks and stains

One that feels wiser, smarted, neater

Less vulnerable 

A perfect mug

The one I think I want

The mask of my

Idealized self 

Sits high on a shelf

Alone

Needing no one

Empty

My broken mug

Is ordinary

It sits imperfectly in company of others

On this Shelf of life

Stacked crooked

Ready to serve tea

My old mug

Is my vessel

to bring

my unique gifts to the world

And it is only through the cracks

That true light shines

Intention

Each day

an opportunity

for Grace

to guide my way.

Fear or faith

Fear or faith

Which will I choose

To hide

Or to be brave

Not alone

Never alone

A thousand million whispers

From a thousand million angels

We are with you

Always

It cannot be otherwise

For we are One

You are loved

You are love

covered in skin

walking on two legs

Fear or faith

Fear or faith

You choose

Which Power you kneel to

Life or death

in each moment

we choose

Life or death

Of our hopes

Of our dreams

Of our deepest self

Do the scary thing

On your death bed

Will you wish

That you had played it safe

Fear or faith

It is better

To try and fail

Than to never

Try at all

Do the scary thing

You are never alone

Set you compass

Your intention

Is the map

Fulfillment

is the destination

I can get there

From here

I know it

But only today

Now

From here

Let’s go.

Chrysalis

In the in between 

Nothing certain

The path unclear

Old maps are useless

All that I used to grasp 

To feel secure

Confident

Empowered

Has fallen away.

I’m left alone

In a small room

Clothes on a single shelf

Sleeping on a couch

Many have slept on

Displaced

Cocoon like

I morph

hanging in a chrysalis 

Vulnerable yet safe

Surrendered to a process

I can’t really comprehend 

With no way out

But through

The caterpillar 

Cannot leave her silken tent

She cannot say,

“I quit, this is too hard”

And choose to stay a Crawling thing.

She has a destiny

And growing wings 

Is intense 

And takes time

And breaking out is painful 

And slow 

But she will emerge

Beautiful

Capable

Fully formed

And fly into the night 

Of her own destiny 

Seeking that

For which she was born

Ten days an egg

Two weeks to fatten Crawling on 16 legs

Three weeks enshrouded 

Then

Five days a moth.

Five days a moth.

No mouth

She will not eat

Her sole purpose 

Find her passion 

And bring 

New life 

Into this world

Follow your passion

And bring new life

Into this world

Five days

We each get

Five days.

To live 

Our fullest form

Moth

Frozen I sat

At the edge

Of a great decision

Unable to move

In any direction

Like a great rocket

On a launch pad

Waiting for fuel

A fledgling swallow

Hungry at the edge

 of the nest

Not yet knowing

How to fly

The unknown before me,

dark and obscured

by impenetrable fog

The light is fading 

The light is fading

I cannot see the path

You came

A lamp with hazel eyes

Like a moth

I was drawn

To your light

Frozen no more

I flew forward

Driven by desire

For the heat of the flame

And left my old life

Renee McKenna Painting - Squarespace

I am a cloud

Blowing before the moon

A reflection 

Of a reflection 

A child of the Universe

Illuminated for no reason

But joy

I am a star

Tiny and bright among millions

My light

Is my gift to Creation

Revealing my intensity and fearlessness 

With passionate intention 

Unto death 

I am a Redwood

Ancient and wise

My roots are deep and strong

I reach, like a temple, toward the sun.

A living bridge between heaven and earth

Lean against my knarley, soft bark

And smell the sweetness 

Of my breath

I am a woman

With an open heart

Mother, Lover, healer, friend 

I walk slowly through the trees

Under moon and cloud

Sun and star

Inspired by them all

And grateful 

To be fully alive

At last.

One Life

We have but one body

One voice

One life

One time upon

This earth

No matter

If you think

That we

Come back again

Or float among pearly clouds

Or dissolve into dust and atoms

There is no question 

But the answer

Only now 

Only here 

Find your voice 

There is one

Under the many

Your gift to the world

And to yourself

Push, pull, allow, reveal, learn, try, experiment, dig deep

But

Do not copy anyone, anymore

For it is your voice 

That wants to be heard 

Above the notifications and alarms

Find your voice

Sing, yell, whisper, paint, dance, write

But find your voice

And

Offer it to me.

Great Spirit

Great Spirit full of grace

All creation flows through thee. 

Blessed art thou by our actions and

Blessed is thy power

To heal and create all things anew.  

Holy Mother-Father,

Source of love and light,

Grant us your wisdom, power and fearlessness,

Now, and in all aspects of our lives. 

Amen

The Lie

What is this lump 

In my belly

A small nag

An irritation 

Why does it feel off

When you talk

Like a bad recipe

I'm trying to eat

To be polite

Is it me

Or does this taste funny?

Like moldy cheese

Or a cake with too much salt.

Oh

You're full of shit

Such a telling phrase

Did I get some on my shoe? 

I smell it

Is it coming out of your mouth? 

Excuse me

Did you know

That when you opened your mouth

A big piece fell out?

There is is again. 

Now it's on my shoe

I think i'll go home 

And clean it off. 

Time

Restless sleep filled with dreams I can't remember 

Time rushes by like a businessman downtown

Unaware of my need for connection, direction

Never looking up from his phone while he takes long, deliberate strides across the street.

I wonder where you're going,  Mr Time. 

Don't stop for no one, not even me. 

Can it be? Year 53?

Restless sleep interrupted. Dreamt I was flying, then I was falling, a baby dying, my mother callin. 

Mr.Time, take your time. I need more time, slow time, no time. 

For quietness

And listening, so I can hear the voice within. 

Mr.Time, you seem to slow, put down your phone and take some notice. 

I feel my direction, my connection and you see me,  

I feel you see me

And time is now my friend that has no end. 

No time. 

Raven Speaks

Come to me, young ones.

Bring me your fears and your suffering.

You cannot see the horizon from the ground and there are mountains of experience that obscure your view.

But I can see.

Fly with me

With the wings of your soul

And I will show you the wisdom of the winds,

The purpose of the tides

And the reason for death and for living.

Do not be afraid to fly.

Spread your wings and follow me,

Join the Raven Clan and together we will find the Truth.

Together in the great, living sky.

We will fly.

Unafraid.

Together.

Thanks to all who came to stand with us in San Francisco for real American values of love, inclusion and social justice.  

The Room Grew Cold

What made me think

About your name

To look you up

And find out you were gone? 

We shared a secret love

Of memories held deep

Tears offered by candle light

Open hearted

In a warm room

while winter fell

Outside. 

We stayed warm and naked

In that quilted bed

Hiding from the world

Clinging to the hope  

That we would never

Have to leave

Like an addict hopes

The high will never end. 

But the day came

To open the door

and when I stepped outside

It was over

The candle had burned down

And the room grew cold. 

We stayed connected

For a long time. 

You never used that brilliant mind

Not really

You never grew into the man

You were afraid to be. 

You died instead

At 52. 

Bless the soul of Tim Emswiler, one of the smartest most sensitive people I ever knew.  You were a loyal friend. May you do in the next life, what went undone in this.

You know me

My friend

Family of choice

Sister of my heart

Companion of my soul 

30 years. 

You know me, 

That is good, but more than that

You grow me

Like mulch around a tree.  

You help me hold life's water and satiate my thirst

For being seen. 

You were there

When he lied to me

We made lasagna

For New Years

and the winter windows were wet from happy people laughing at our party. 

You were at my wedding

And the baptism of my first child.

We grow wrinkles together

And drink tea.

Years pass between cups that feel like days.

I love days with my friend, the sister of my heart. 

May we have many days

Before we are through with this life,

Before we are done growing,

Before we drink our final cup.

Women Rise

Women rise

From your comfortable beds

From your bleached blond heads

From your he said, she said.

Women rise

We need to hear your voice

We need to make some noise  

So we can have some choice

For the future

Women rise

Don't try to be a man

We need a feminine plan

You know together we can

Change the future. 

Women rise  

It's time to take a stand  

Hand in hand

To save our land

From the greed of man

Save the future. 

Women rise

To our God's we pray  

For strength and courage today

To have strong words to say

Speak truth to power or pay

With our future

Women Rise

The time is here

To leave the ocean of tears

And outgrow our fears

Of a thousand years

Make the future

Women Rise

Sing the songs of love

Praise the Lord above

Descending like a dove

On the future

Women rise

in equality

It's up to you and me

We can't sit quietly

Don't leave our destiny

Build the future

Women rise

Save the future

Tree of Unhappiness

My own unhappiness
Like a raven
calling
from the skeleton
of a cold winter tree.
I hear it cawing,
Harsh,

Repeating

A black spot

Sitting on the branches of my heart.

Hatred

Unprepared I listen

Open like a mug waiting for a warm drink

To fill it up

But when the words come

they are shards of ice

Not English breakfast tea.

They cut me before I realized

That I should flip my mug

Like a wine glass turned over, to be pulled from the linen tablecloth by a waiter with a bow tie.

None for me tonight. 

Thank you. 

But I was unprepared for your hatred

splattered like gang graffiti on some poor grocer's window.

Defacing the glass with illegible letters meaning nothing to anyone  

but the bitter and hateful

Like you. 

Black Spot

My own unhappiness
Like a raven
calling
from the skeleton
of a cold

winter tree. 

I hear it cawing,
Harsh, repeating
a black spot sitting

on the branches

of my heart.

Death, My Friend

The edge is always there.

An abyss we will all fall into

Or leap

Or step with silent intention

One day. 

If I look over into the chasm of the great unknown

Everyday

Curiosite replaces fear

And I can listen with my body

To the wisdim of Death. 

The Grim Reaper

Becomes  

The Angel of Death. 

And when I jump or fall or step with my intention

She catches me

Like a child tossed in the air

And hugs my soul

Home.